Sunday, August 21, 2011

A Realization and an Apology

This post is mostly for the infertiles who will be inevitably visiting my blog due to ICLW this month. You will soon notice that my blog is catered more towards general TTC rather than the typical IF blog. There are two main reasons for this; one, it is a relatively new blog as I deleted my old one during a mental breakdown after Mother's Day, and secondly, I have a newfound hope for conceiving a child.

I have gone down the expected route of pain, suffering, longing and lost and posted about each of those, but I wanted this blog to be different. Im sure occasionally I will post more about the pain rather than the hopeful warm-and-fuzzy feelings.. and I suppose I will start that today.

This morning as I was reading through many of the ICLW blogs in hopes of showing my support and understanding, I began thinking about my own TTC journey and came to a realization. That although I say we have been trying for 8 years, we really haven't been.

The first 2 years we definitely charted and TTC the old-fashioned way and although I suspected a problem, I never really knew. But the thing is, during those initial 2 years, everything was stacked against us. Down to the fact we used saliva which kills sperm, the absolutely worst possible BD position, I always got up right after O and some other things Im sure my DH would rather I keep private. But honestly, even in 2 years, I see now that our chances were slim to none.

Then soon after that, we began taking breaks due to the pain of it taking so long to get PG.. a lot of breaks. I think I maybe charted 1/4 of each year. Our relationship became rocky as well, which meant a lot less time of BD'ing and chances are we barely ever BD during the right time. Then I began gaining weight, my cycles got longer and fewer and I only O'd about half the time.

This is why I now have hope, because the understanding of our situation then and now is startling. We have just recently discovered all of these things we did so wrong and are now doing right. I am losing weight and getting healthy as is DH, we are taking vitamins and supplements to correct the damage that has been done, we are BD'ing at the right times and we are trying not to take too many breaks. I just feel like it is a second chance to get PG and almost like we just started TTC, not like it has been 9 years.

Its an interesting concept, because I feel like a typical infertile, yet I also feel like we just started TTC. Of course those old IF depressing feelings are still there, because even with crappy BD timing and everything else, a normal fertile couple would at the very least "accidentally" become PG in almost a decade. So I realize we still have issues, but when I let it get to me, I go a year without having hope, and lose another year of my limited child-bearing years.

So I wanted to apologize to all those visiting in hopes of reading an IF blog and come across mine, of what seems like a typical and exhausting TTC blog of nursery bedding and soy and the joy of TTC. It's just my way of coping and getting through the next month or year or decade.


  1. It is GOOD to be positive. It's a fresh start for you and GOOD FOR YOU for deciding to - for the most part - focusing on the excitement of TTC. Of course the depression issues will sneak up on you, but being positive makes a world of difference. I have spent 10+ years of my life suffering from secondary infertility and TTC, and had 14 miscarriages, I got 4 beautiful boys out of it...

    I hope your new found feelings of excitement again and realization of ways to help you conceive ... WORK!!!

    Don't ever apologize about your blog, because it's a reflection of who you are ... :)

    Happy ICLW from #86 :D

  2. Don't apologize for what your blog is. This is your space to talk about what you need to talk about. It's good that you are able to be positive.

    ICLW #19

  3. You have a great attitude!! I am sure that is going to do wonders for you mind, body and soul during this journey!!

    Happy ICLW

  4. Hello from ICLW. I hope that things work out for you soon.