Thursday, August 11, 2011

A Breakdown, a New Blog and a Fresh Start

This isn't my first blog and it probably wont be my last. My history of TTC and infertility is long in years but short in answers and experience. Meaning we have been trying to get pregnant for almost a decade but have only have very minor tests done, no procedures and are still waiting for more answers.

What we do know is that DH has severe male infertility with 2 million motile sperm at his last SA - which was 2 years ago, so who knows what it is now. I used to ovulate regularly but for the past year or so my cycles have been long and erratic. We have been to the RE just once for my BW which was normal but then we lost insurance and havent been back; not that insurance covered all that much.

Trying for this long is beyond what little words I know could comprehend. Stressful? Yes. Frustrating? Most Definitely. Depressing? Every Day. But those really dont measure up to the utter pain and loss and fear and sadness that you get from infertility. However they will do for now.

I had somewhat of a breakdown, a mental episode, a couple months ago. It was shortly after Mother's Day and I just snapped after seeing literally dozens of "Being a mother is such a blessing" posts on Facebook. I deleted every single mom or expecting mom on my page except for those that I couldnt remove like my own mom, aunts, cousins and sisters. It was a really bad time for me but I have since added everyone back and am not so nutso.

During the breakdown I also deleted all of my "internet presence" including all of my blogs, twitter, social bookmarking sites, myspace (which I didnt use and dont miss), fertility friend account, pretty much anything that was deletable. Unfortunately at the time I had an IF blog that got deleted with a lot of great posts. It is such a bummer that it is now gone forever..

So here I am with a new blog and a fresh start. Because I have different blogs of different subjects, I had to create separate emails. But that means this account can be just for TTC  and infertility in regards to my About Me sections, profile, email and the blogs that I follow.

I will be back soon with somewhat of an update and where we are now in our very long journey.

1 comment:

  1. HI Jenn,
    Welcome back! I followed you before and am glad I found you again :) It is a hard journey with so many ups and downs. I've always been a little shocked that the emotional aspects of wanting a child and not being able to have one (for whatever the reason) are not more prominently recognized in the medical community.

    I also read your most recent ICLW post and love your attitude. Sometimes we all need a fresh start!

    take care of yourself my friend,